Unity requires civility.

Kathleen Doler 

President Biden spoke eloquently at his inauguration of fostering unity among the American people. In that vein, we should all put a large bar of soap on our desktop, right next to our computer or tablet.

I’m old enough that my mother threatened us with washing our mouths out with soap if we cursed, called names or spoke disrespectfully to our parents, elders or others. We all need to be mindful of the soap — we must work to relearn polite discourse.

Civility was abandoned by the previous presidential administration. In fact, bullying, name-calling and mockery were how Donald Trump and many of his advisors chose to make their points and counter their critics.

Sadly, I feel many Americans, both on the right and the left, adopted this hate speech, choosing to personally demean opponents, instead of listening to and analyzing their adversaries’ positions.

Even before the inauguration, I saw Facebook posts from friends, ones who previously took a more courteous tone, peppered with speech bombs such as “redneck,” “trailer-trash,” “libtard,” “snowflake” and much worse. Most people understand the dangers of “flame mail,” emails that are much too hostile in tone. But during the past four years, flaming seems to have been normalized on social media.

I admit that I too have at times given in to name-calling. Now I’m committed to rejecting the urge to label others, to stop using these monikers to deride opinions I don’t agree with. It’s easy, and sometimes temporarily satisfying, to come up with a clever or biting name for someone whose opinions you dislike or even find abhorrent.

But we all know that name-calling should have been left on the schoolyard long ago. It’s counterintuitive, but bullies are weak because they use intimidation instead of intelligence to forward their agendas.

In seeking to truly understand each other, we must stop using toxic language to attack people who see things differently. Immediately categorizing someone with some label that is both offensive and most likely inaccurate makes it impossible to see them and hear their opinions and positions.

After four rancorous and unstable years, America has now begun a tenuous journey toward overcoming the incredible challenges it faces. The pandemic, rebuilding the economy, racism and climate change top our new president’s and Congress’ important and extremely difficult agenda. President Biden said at his inauguration that “unity is the path forward.”

Many American corporations, including those in the East Bay and Silicon Valley, require employees to undergo sensitivity training to help them communicate and work effectively with co-workers who differ from them in race, sexual orientation, gender, heritage and economic background. We are a country that prides itself (at least it used to) on being a melting pot of immigrants who have come here to work toward the “American Dream” of freedom and economic prosperity. To continue that tradition, hate speech, though prevalent throughout parts of our history, must now be forsaken by our leaders, their staff and advisors.

It’s more than time to listen to our mothers and clean up our mouths. Perhaps you’ll join me and consider placing a soap-bar paperweight on your desks.

Kathleen Doler is a novelist and journalist. She lives in the Bay Area and writes for national newspapers and magazines on everything from business and finance to adventure sports.