The solution is this: For a small fee of another $150,000 plus whatever amount assorted Trump supporters want to throw in, I, an expert auditing auditor, will audit your audit, Arizona! You know what they say — when you are dug into a deep and mortifying hole, keep digging! The only way out is through!
Yes, your audit is a national embarrassment, pouring fuel on the fires of conspiracy and also making it look like your state is being taken advantage of! That is why you need to hire someone to audit it. This will let the world know that your state is no one’s fool. If you need any references, here is a list of names that are visible only to people who are running a state well and competently. Call any of them! Don’t hesitate!
The name Cyber Ninjas, in retrospect, does not exactly fill you with ringing confidence, does it? It sounds very, for lack of a better word, made up! We here at Four Loko Jedi Magnetron Socratic Laser Accuracy (With The Vitality Of The Melon That Has Kept Cindy Crawford Young) are absolutely not like them and will make none of the mistakes that they are making. Only new mistakes! That’s our guarantee.
For instance, they have “spinning conveyor wheels” (according to one observer) full of ballots that go so quickly that mistakes are inevitable. This is amateurish. We have conveyor belts that go much, much faster, so fast that we cannot state with any accuracy how many ballots they have processed. This constantly changing number helps provide added security against hackers! How do we get accurate results? The answer is simple: volume.
We will use such groundbreaking techniques as sending messengers to the oracle at Delphi to ask Apollo if the audit is good or bad, using only the most recent bird entrails to ask whether the count went well, and bringing in Sesame Street’s The Count to point at each ballot as it goes by. We will spare no expense to determine whether your state is being had! We guarantee that by the time we are done, you will have a clear sense of that.
Just to show where we differ from the Cyber Ninjas, it seems as though they went into this “audit” with the preconceived idea that Donald Trump might have been the winner. Preconceptions are bad. We aren’t even sure that such a thing as an “election” exists, or that there really is such a place as Arizona! We are going to prove it all from the bottom up, using the most Socratic method, including taking a lot of money without asking anything but rhetorical questions, for authenticity.
The Cyber Ninjas are making the routine mistake of trying to check the ballots for “bamboo fibers” when everyone knows that this is completely made up, based on a debunked conspiracy theory, and not a real concern! We, on the other hand, will check the ballots for ghosts. They were worried that the ballots were folded? We are only worried if the ballots, when folded, do not make a perfect origami frog.
They even had to pack up their whole “audit” because the place they booked for counting was also booked for graduations. We won’t have to pack up — because all of our auditing is done by the famous clairvoyant Madame Sosostris using her pack of cards.
When I look at this audit now, all I see are mistakes that could have been avoided. It saddens me to think that a state is voluntarily paying Cyber Ninjas money to do an unnecessary thing embarrassingly poorly that I would gladly do not as poorly and for a fraction of the price.
Can you afford to let your state be made a laughingstock of twice? Hire us, and we will get you that answer pronto!
Read more:
"Opinion" - Google News
May 22, 2021 at 02:07AM
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Arizona’s election audit is a disaster. Hire my company to audit it. - The Washington Post
"Opinion" - Google News
https://ift.tt/2FkSo6m
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