Hope everyone has downloaded the new set of updates that will enable you to access our new Official Party Reality (TM) where the election was rigged, Liz Cheney was seen several times dancing in a moonlit clearing with the Devil, and everything that has gone wrong in the party is her fault! The weather is nice here (no climate change) and King Donald Trump is kind, yet fair! Also, in that reality, Jared’s solution for Middle East peace really stuck.
It’s just a relief to be able to be here together in this Party-sanctioned reality, never daring to set a foot out of line.
You can tell if your mind is sufficiently pure and free of Thoughtcrime because when asked questions about Liz Cheney or the election, you will see that all kinds of things were her fault that you never would have guessed. For instance, did you know she was “in part responsible for the high spending in the first Trump budget?” If not, be sure to make certain that your Reality Implant is working. Comrade Cheney knocked down the windmill and she also is responsible for the cicadas coming back.
Do you still remember the events of Jan. 6? Think carefully. Was there an insurrection or were there “peaceful patriots” who are now being needlessly harassed by the Justice Department? Do you remember smashed windows and screams, or do you remember some tourists having a normal day? If you can remember anything going wrong that was not the fault of the Russia investigation, then you are still seeing four fingers instead of the requisite five, and you should turn yourself in before they come for you!
Be certain to enjoy your New McCarthyism update! Old McCarthyism was cumbersome. Instead of being a system where people are groundlessly removed from their posts and cast into suspicion by virtue of someone’s big lie, it is a system where people are removed from their posts and cast into suspicion by virtue of NOT subscribing to someone’s big lie. Much more streamlined, without all those annoying lists! “I don’t think anybody is questioning the legitimacy of the presidential election,” New (Kevin) McCarthy explains. Of course not. He is not calling into question the legitimacy of the election — he is just punishing those who don’t!
If you experience any discomfort, don’t worry about it! Your mind is simply accommodating itself to the new contours of what you are choosing to accept as reality. What would you prefer, to say that you see Donald Trump winning the election in the face of devious rigging, or really to see it? Do not answer that. That question implies that there is more than one version of reality you could see, and acknowledging that could cost you!
The elephant that is the emblem of your party has now been replaced with a different elephant with a shorter memory. It was just getting to be too much for the original one; he lay awake screaming and screaming. He remembered everything.
You may ask: Is it not terrifyingly anti-Democratic to be bricking yourself steadily into a place where the faint screaming of reality does not penetrate, and the only solution is to double down more and more, to restrict access to the polls ever more tightly, and to entrench yourself even further down a deep rabbit-hole of what is misinformation at best and disinformation at worst?
Yes! But being anti-Democrat is good.
Please note that all the “Party of Lincoln” features of your party will not work until you download the new replacement set of Lincoln quotes.
- “You can fool all of the people all of the time.”
- “A house divided against itself is fine.”
- “Government of the people, by the people, for the people … shall perish from the earth.”
Please stay tuned for additional updates that, at this rate, are almost guaranteed to include elements of the QAnon conspiracy.
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